Jay Boykin (00:03.586)
Well, hello everyone. Welcome to another episode of Just Human. I am your host, Jay Boykin. The Just Human podcast focuses on a variety of different topics. We talk about diversity, equity, and inclusion. We talk about areas for personal growth. And we also talk about some topics that are more relevant to men. And that's where we're going today.
really dive in on a topic that doesn't get the attention it deserves, I believe, and it is the challenge of making lasting friendships as adult men. So if you are a first-time listener, thank you very much for joining. I'm so glad that you took the opportunity to give us a listen. Whether you're watching on YouTube or listening on your favorite podcast provider,
Please take the time to subscribe or leave me a comment so that I can continue to make the podcast better and better. And if you are a lady who's listening to this podcast, I don't want you to check out and think that this isn't relevant to you. I think that you'll find this interesting. And maybe you have a man in your life that could benefit from listening to this. So perhaps when you get to the end of it, you'll decide that you'll want to share it.
So, friendships. If you ask most men about their friends, they're probably going to give you a list of maybe their neighbors, their fantasy sports buddies, or perhaps a couple of friends from high school. But if you take the question and you go a little bit deeper and you ask,
Who do you reach out to when you're feeling down? Who do you reach out to when you're going through some tough times and you need to talk through it? Then you might get a few blank stares at that time. I truly believe that friendship isn't just something that's a nice to have. I think that it is essential. Building...
Jay Boykin (02:30.562)
those deeper connections, especially as an adult and especially as a man can be really tough. And so today we're gonna discuss why these friendships are so important and some of the barriers that men will face. And we're gonna talk about some of the practical ways that we can all work on strengthening these connections. So.
Let's start with a little perspective. As kids, making friends seems generally a lot easier. It comes a bit more naturally, maybe a bit more organically. You meet friends in school, you've got kids that live in your neighborhood, perhaps live on your block, kids that you're playing sports with.
I remember as a kid, I had a core group of friends that we all lived within a couple of blocks of each other. And we rode the bus to school together. We pretty much did everything together. had my best friend at the time, Derek and his big brother, Russell. And there was another kid down the street that we all looked up to. His name was John. We called him big John.
I don't know why we called it. He was big to us. He really wasn't that big, but he was bigger than us. So we just called him big John. and he, was my core group of friends. And again, we lived together. We would hang out at each other's houses. our parents all knew each other. And so it seemed a little easier to make friends at that time. Well, as you fast forward,
and we become adults, life really starts to complicate things. We get wrapped up in work, we get busy with family and other responsibilities. And many times, and I think that men can be more guilty of this than women, your friendships sometimes take a backseat.
Jay Boykin (04:58.616)
For me, we moved around quite a bit because of the type of work that my father did. So it always seemed like I was the new kid in the neighborhood. And so I can remember different sets of friends at different times in my life in those early years. But over time, as...
I moved on to different stages in life. I lost touch with those folks. I made friends in college, but again, as we all graduated and we moved off into our careers, again, I moved. I went to college in Louisiana. I now live in Colorado and I lost touch with some of those friends, quite a bit of those friends, frankly.
There's some data that I found, studies that show that if you asked men 30 years ago, over 50 % of men would have said that they had six close friends. Today, that number has dropped to less than 30%. It's 27%, according to this story, of men who say that they have
six close friends. Frankly for me, I wouldn't fall into that 27%. I have a handful of what I consider to be really close friends and we'll talk about what that means a little bit later. So six friends seems like a stretch to me.
But having friendships as an adult isn't just about having someone to hang out with. These relationships, if we take advantage of them the right way, can go so much deeper than that. We just have to allow them to. Having a strong, supportive group of friends really helps us to deal with some of the challenges that we can face each day. For me,
Jay Boykin (07:19.018)
Right now, I have what I consider to be my two closest friends, one of whom is my brother. My brother and I have an amazingly close relationship. Some people think it's strange that we're so close. But this little circle, the three of us, we can talk about anything. And generally, I...
communicate in some form or fashion with the two of them, be it individually or the three of us together almost every day. And some people think that it's weird how much we communicate, but I love it. I have these two individuals that no matter what I am going through, I know that
they've got my back and I can open up to them about anything and everything. And we have, over the years, we have talked about generally everything, health, fears, the things that make us mad, jobs, family stuff, money, you name it. And really the cool thing about it is that we can call each other out.
We can sense when somebody is off and we won't let it go more than a day or two without the other person being in touch with us before we call them out and say, hey, why are you acting funny? So as I mentioned, I've got my brother who is honestly, as much as I love him as a brother, I love him as a friend as well.
but then I have, my best friend. We've been friends for about 28 years. We met randomly when we both moved to Colorado at roughly the same time. And we both ended up on a basketball court in Boulder, Colorado, playing pickup basketball. And from that.
Jay Boykin (09:43.928)
Day forward, we became really close friends. Now, it's not to say that we haven't had our moments. We've broken up once or twice, but we're still great friends today. And as a matter of fact, he's now my brother-in-law. So we're not only best friends, but now we're family as well.
But again, the great thing about the relationship that the three of us have is that we can't hide. And I love the fact that they're gonna call me out. And there are times that I know that they're gonna call me out. And so I'll just go ahead and fess up when I know that something's bothering me that I need to get off my chest.
So why is it so difficult to maintain or even form friendships when we get older? I think that today there's a handful of obstacles and maybe we can even call them excuses that we use. So number one, let's talk about technology. I've mentioned in previous episodes that I love technology.
I like all the gadgets. That being said, sometimes technology can be a hindrance. have our phones, we have our computers, we have our tablets, and we have all of these various social media platforms where we can seemingly connect, but mostly it provides a way for us to interact. And again,
It's a connection, but it's virtual. And sometimes that can replace those genuine face-to-face interactions that back in the day before we had all of this technology, that's what we were all used to. We might have our online friends. So for example, my...
Jay Boykin (11:51.394)
brother and my best friend are both gamers. I game a little bit, but not as much as they do. I jump on there occasionally, but they like to game and they will game together. And there are other people that they have the opportunity to play these games with online. They become online friends with
different people while gaming. It gives them the opportunity to chat during the game and they may even connect on social media. But I think that again, there's a place for those type of relationships, but I believe that those types of relationships lack the depth that we might need from a day-to-day basis. Another thing that's become very
interesting and really relevant for myself over the last few years is remote work. you know, prior to the pandemic, I was going into the office every single day. And now I work from home the majority of the time. Now, don't get me wrong. love
my work from home situation. I feel like I'm very, very productive at home. And we'll talk about this topic in a different podcast episode. But there are more people today that are working either entirely from home or at least in a hybrid environment where they do not go into the office as much as they used to.
And some of those organic connections that we once had in the office are either not happening at all or they require a different level of intentionality. So I do think that remote work is having an impact there. I also think, and this is probably a bigger one, is there are certain
Jay Boykin (14:17.062)
societal expectations. I think that there are traditional ideas of masculinity. And again, I've got a podcast episode and a blog post that I did a while back about the evolution of masculinity. But some of these traditional ideas of masculinity would encourage men to be
emotionally distant and to be very independent and almost adopting this mentality of being the lone wolf. I don't need anyone else. I've got this. And so we are constantly dealing with these pressures of what people think
a man is supposed to do, how we're supposed to behave. And so I think that these expectations do come into play. You know, I will also say that...
when we think about these traditional male norms, there is a certain tendency for us to compete a little bit. So you start looking at other people's lives on social media, you look at your neighbor across the street, and I think that sometimes there's this tendency for men to
do a little bit too much comparison. I'm comparing my job, I'm comparing my house, my car, my family life. And on social media, we want everything to look like it's perfect. But none of us have the perfect life. We might throw that out there on Facebook and it might appear that way, but none of us have the perfect life. We're all dealing with things. We're all...
Jay Boykin (16:32.066)
dealing with things that we have to work on and there are things that are not going as well as we might want them to go. And I think that you look at all of these factors and it can really make it challenging to open up and form these deep, supportive friendships that we really need. And I think that
There are also certain societal norms that may tell men that, look, having a bunch of friends, having these people in your life that you lean on, that can be a weakness. And I think that that is so false. I think that it is so much better having these support systems is so much better than trying to tough it out alone. I'll tell you that this not
so much the case today, but I remember a really dark time during the pandemic. And I know that many of us were going through some challenging times then, but at that time, it was before my wife and I were together. And I spent a lot of time alone.
And because we really didn't have any place that we could go due to the pandemic, I was working in the house and doing everything in the house. was just me and my dog. And that was really a lonely time. Now I still had my brother. I still had my best friend, but it just felt different because I couldn't
get together with anyone face to face. And so it was a very challenging time. So now we're talking about all this stuff. Why does it even matter? Why should men even care about making friends and having friends as an adult?
Jay Boykin (18:48.504)
Friendships really provide a level of support They can give us a space that we can share what's going on in our lives be it good things challenging things in a really open and safe way research shows that strong supportive friendships reduce these feelings of loneliness and anxiety and depression and
they really, they foster this sense of belonging. You've got your crew and that has a direct impact on your mental health. When we feel like we belong and we've got people that understand us, people that we can share things with without feeling like we're being judged, we are much happier, healthier people.
So let's break down, let's go into the details a bit more of some of the benefits of having these close friendships. So we alluded to the fact that there's emotional support. True friends offer a space where we can share things very openly without any judgment. Now, I'll tell you that in my crew, I mentioned that I feel safe to
open up and share just about anything. Now it's not to say that, you know, my friends are not going to poke a little fun at me at the right time. They might do it just to try to make me laugh. That being said, I know that if I need to talk about something and get it off my chest, they are going to listen.
And that's the key part is that they're going to listen. I might not even want any advice. Sometimes I will seek that advice, but often I just want someone to hear me out. Another man, especially who may be dealing with similar life challenges. It's just great to have that support. Having these friendships also helps to reduce loneliness.
Jay Boykin (21:10.848)
As I mentioned during the pandemic time about how lonely and isolated I felt having these types of relationships, people that you can get out and do some things with. And I'll talk about that a little bit more later in the episode, but getting out and doing some things with friends can really benefit, boost your mood, help boost your self-esteem. It's a stress reduction.
When I am talking to my brother, my best friend, we laugh about things, we joke about even the silliest of things, but that laughter, whether it's on the phone or if we're together, really does, it releases those endorphins in our body and it helps to reduce stress and it
it helps me to relax. So I love at the end of the day, sometimes reaching out to one or both of them. And we'll just talk about how the day went. How's your week been going? And it's, it's just a great benefit to have in my life. And I think that having these close friendships also helps to increase our resilience. When you know that you've got
these close friends by your side. They will help to provide you with some different perspectives. I did another episode of the podcast about self-awareness and in that episode we talked about seeking feedback. Sometimes these close friends can be some of the best people to seek some feedback from because many times if you've got that type of a relationship,
they are gonna give it to you uncut. And you know that they're coming from a place of love. So that is a great place for me to seek some of the feedback that I need. But I think that it helps me to get through some of the challenges that I might face. So I feel like a much stronger, much more resilient person with those types of relationships in my life.
Jay Boykin (23:36.93)
You know, one of the other things that I think is a side benefit is we talked a little bit earlier about health. One of the things that the three of us have created a pact for is making sure that every year we get our annual physicals, we get our blood work done.
We push each other on making sure that we work out, get some cardio in, we're drinking water, trying to eat a little bit healthier. So again, having these individuals in our lives that can call us out and say, you hey, when's the last time you worked out? It's been a few days. Well, get your butt in the gym. And for me, I have no excuse because the gym is right here in my house. And they know that and they'll push me to make sure that I get it done.
So we've talked about the importance of these friendships and we talked about some of the barriers to these friendships. I think that there are a couple of more barriers that we should touch on.
You know, we live in a very busy time and for many people, this isn't just a male thing. I think that women are just better at managing certain things. Okay, many things than men are. But there are times that trying to balance work and
family life doesn't always feel like it leaves a lot of room for socializing. And I think that if you are prioritizing things and you put family, career, hopefully in that order, a lot of times friendships will definitely take the backseat. It's much easier to let that slide.
Jay Boykin (25:56.034)
That being said, I believe that prioritizing these friendships is really crucial for your mental wellbeing. I think that making time to be with your friends, making sure that you have the ability to spend time, quality time with your friends is a very important.
part of our lives and not just something that we slide in when we may have a little bit of extra time. And I'll tell you that I could be better at this, especially when it comes to developing relationships with other men. I know that I've got my safe space with the two that I currently have. And sometimes it can be
a little challenging to let others in that circle. Now I'm not saying that I need to have 15 besties, but I do think that it's okay that I could have two or three more. Maybe that number that we talked about earlier in the episode of six, maybe that's not a bad number to strive for. I will also tell you that another common barrier for men is around the struggle of
being vulnerable. I think that it's pretty easy when you are having a conversation with another man to talk about surface level things like for example most men when you meet one of the first things that you will talk about is what do do? What do you do for a living? So you'll talk about your job that one's easy.
perhaps you'll start talking about sports, especially if something big happened recently, a big sporting event, and you can talk about that. But too often we stay at that surface level. I think that too often men are taught that we're supposed to tough things out, you're supposed to keep things in, internalize these things.
Jay Boykin (28:18.338)
and figure it out for yourself. And so the idea of vulnerability, the idea of having these deeper connections with other men can be seen as a weakness. And I believe that that is a mindset that we need to change. I believe that having these open dialogues with other men where you can talk about what your struggles are.
You can talk about the areas that you might be having challenges with. These are important. Now, it takes time. You don't just meet someone and say, hi, my name is Jay. Can I share with you about my mental health struggles? Can I talk to you about the anxiety that I'm dealing with? Can I talk to you about the fact that my finances aren't exactly where I want them to be? That's not where
this starts, that makes it weird. So you have to make an investment. It's something that you have to spend time doing and making that investment in those types of relationships. I think the last thing that can be another barrier can be time.
I mentioned this earlier in the podcast, we're all busy and life just seems to get busier and busier and much like I discussed in a previous episode about personal growth and self-awareness, making time for yourself
It seems easy to sacrifice that, set that aside. Same thing with friendships. It can be way too easy to prioritize those last. And so I think that we need to find the time for that. I also think that we need to put ourselves in certain situations where we have the opportunity to perhaps
Jay Boykin (30:39.734)
start to cultivate some new relationships, start with a new acquaintance. So being very vulnerable, I can be very much a creature of habit and I have to really push myself. Fortunately, my wife is really good about challenging me and getting me out of my comfort zone and will go and do things that I normally wouldn't.
consider doing on my own. so taking the time to get outside of our normal comfort zone and then having conversations with individuals, I think that as we get to know them and we can begin to go deeper over time, but we've got to start somewhere. We've got to take that first step and start somewhere.
How do we break down these barriers? How do we begin to build these lasting friendships? And again, I'm speaking a lot about men, but I'm not speaking just to men. ladies, this could apply to you as well. But again, women are generally better at this than men are. But please share this with someone who you think might need to hear this.
So again, what do we need to do to break down these barriers? I think that number one, we've got to make it a priority. Prioritizing our friendships is essential. We need to view these relationships as a valuable part of our life and not just an afterthought, not just something that, you know, I'll do it when I have a few extra minutes. I think it's okay to...
have some regularly scheduled activities, get together with a couple of friends and go have dinner, go have lunch, meet up for coffee, reach out and start with a phone call. Just make a phone call. I think that this can begin to create some bonds, especially when we've got a very packed schedule. I just think that...
Jay Boykin (33:07.2)
it's important to make this a priority. Number two, and I think that this can be part of the prioritization, is creating some rituals. Again, maybe it is a monthly meetup, maybe it's an annual trip, maybe you've just got a weekly scheduled coffee or phone call.
My brother and my best friend every year, we go on a golf trip and we generally go down to Florida and we will do our best at playing golf. None of us are great at it, but we just enjoy hanging out together. And when we're not on the course, we are hanging out, talking, laughing.
having a couple of adult beverages while we're doing it. And so that's a very meaningful trip that we do every single year.
Number three, and men, please don't give me the eye roll on this one. We have to embrace being vulnerable. I like to think about the visual of a submarine. A submarine starts out on the surface, but it doesn't go from zero to 300 feet in two seconds. That would be a problem.
Our level of vulnerability is the same way. We're always gonna start out at the surface level, but over time, as we continue to cultivate these relationships, we can talk more about, we can talk about deeper things that are not just our jobs, not just what happened on the game, what our fantasy team looks like.
Jay Boykin (35:14.208)
I think that over time we continue to go deeper and deeper, we have to embrace being vulnerable. It's not always a comfortable place to be, but I will tell you that once you have those type of relationships, there's nothing better than knowing that you've got those individuals that you can reach out to and talk to them about whatever. So men, be prepared to embrace being vulnerable.
Number four, explore new activities. talked about the fact that my wife is really good at getting me out of my comfort zone at times because of her business. She networks on a daily basis and there are times that I have the opportunity to go with her. And again, that gets me outside of my comfort zone. We've started hosting some things at
our home with people that started out as her clients and now they've become really good friends. And for me, I've, starting to develop a couple of additional relationships that are becoming very important to me. But again, much like the submarine, it's a gradual thing and we're continuing to go deeper and deeper. So get outside of your comfort zone, explore doing some things that you wouldn't normally do.
And number five, I know that I alluded to this earlier that sometimes this can be a barrier, but technology can be a tool that we can use to stay connected. It doesn't have to replace all of the face-to-face interactions that we have, but in those times between those face-to-face meetings,
Use the technology, reach out and make a phone call. Touch base with someone on social media. If someone pops into your head, it happened for a reason, reach out to that person, send them a text, drop a quick phone call and let them know that you're thinking about them. And I promise you, you won't regret that. So.
Jay Boykin (37:36.32)
Again, I do believe that having these relationships, having these deep, close friendships is extremely important. It's an investment in our happiness, it's an investment in our mental health. These friendships can help us to navigate life's challenges.
we can use them to celebrate the successes that we have going on in our life. And it really just helps us to feel connected. And I believe that it is very much worth the investment of continuing to or beginning to cultivate these types of relationships. So I know that there are some of you that are thinking, look,
I don't need this, I don't have time for this and I'm fine. And maybe you are or maybe you think that you are, but how long can you continue to just maintain these relationships at a surface level? All of us need that connection at times and especially that deeper connection. So again,
I want to challenge everyone who is watching, who is listening, again, thank you for your time, but I want to challenge you to something. So this week, I want you to reach out to someone that you haven't connected with in a while and have a phone call, maybe invite them to lunch or a coffee, but
Just take the time, make that investment in that one relationship that could perhaps use a little bit of extra cultivation. Set up that time for a meetup or join a local group where you have the opportunity to connect. I met my best friend playing basketball, so I think that having the opportunity to go to the gym, that's a good thing. And connecting with some other men.
Jay Boykin (39:59.458)
be it playing basketball, tennis, I guess the new thing is pickleball now, whatever that activity may be, I think that that's a good thing. So thank you again for joining me today on Just Human. If you found this episode helpful, if you enjoyed it, again, subscribe, hit the like button, leave me a comment and a review.
And definitely feel free to share this with someone else who might benefit from it. Try some of the strategies that we've talked about today that we discussed and see the impact that they have in your life. And again, remember our challenge. Leave me a comment on how it goes. Reach out to someone that you haven't connected with in a bit. I'm gonna do the same thing and I'll let you guys know how well it goes. So again, thank you so much.
recognize that these friendships are not just a nice to have, they are a need to have for a happy and fulfilled life. until next time, everybody take care and stay connected.
