Jay Boykin (00:01.4)
Well, hello everyone and welcome to Just Human. My name is Jay Boykin. I'm your host and I'm really happy to have you here. Just Human is a podcast where we talk about a variety of different topics from diversity, equity and inclusion. We talk about certain topics that are really relevant to men and we also talk about personal growth. And today,
We're actually going to spend a little bit of time talking about something that is foundational to personal growth and that is self-awareness. So whether you are checking us out on YouTube or listening on your favorite podcast platform, please take a moment and subscribe, leave a comment. love to see your comments. I appreciate all of those. So let's talk about personal growth.
I know that that is a buzzword that you typically hear sometimes and you know, it's almost truly it's to the point where it really does sound like a buzzword, but what does that really mean? Personal growth is really about becoming a better version of ourselves, trying to be better today than we were yesterday. And if we're going to do that, something that is
foundational to that growth is self-awareness. That's where we have to start. So it doesn't matter if you are leading a team, running a business, or just simply working on your own personal development, your own personal growth. Self-awareness is essential. And so today we're going to talk about what self-awareness really is, what are some barriers.
to self-awareness and what are some practical steps that we can take for developing self-awareness. And along the way, I'm gonna share a few of my own personal stories, things that I've experienced, things that I'm trying, some of my failures, some of my successes. So I'll let you know how that's working for me. So again, self-awareness,
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at its core is the ability to observe and to understand our thoughts, our emotions, and our behaviors. It's about being conscious of how we see ourselves and just as importantly, how others see us. so breaking that down a little bit more, I think that you can look at self-awareness from an internal perspective.
and you can look at it from an external perspective. again, internal self-awareness is how we see ourselves, how we recognize those emotions, our values. It's very introspective and we are focusing on how we feel things are affecting us, how things drive us. External self-awareness is
really looking at how others perceive us. And I think that that's really important. It reminds me of a story from my own career. The very first leadership role that I had very early in my career, and quite frankly, I was probably too young to have been given this job because I did not do great at it from a leadership perspective.
had zero self-awareness. I was in my mid-twenties and the only thing that I was focused on was the fact that I had this title. And in my head, that meant that I had all the answers. And as I worked with my team, I was always very quick to voice my opinion in meetings.
If I was meeting one-on-one with someone, I would be very quick to let them know what I thought about something, whether it was the way that they did something. But I was very quick with those opinions. And honestly, I thought that that was, that's what I was supposed to do as a leader. I thought that I was supposed to just tell people what the answer was supposed to be and they go do it.
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Well, what I later discovered, and this comes from the external self-awareness, is that as soon as I would offer up my opinion in a meeting, everybody else shut down. No one felt comfortable offering a different opinion because they were concerned about how I was going to react. And again,
even my individual suggestions, if I was in a one-on-one situation, if I offered what I thought was a good way to go about doing something, people didn't always feel comfortable voicing a different opinion. They just assumed that I thought that they were doing it wrong. so my initial leadership skills at that time were
very, very lacking. I definitely was not self-aware at that time. fortunately, self-awareness is not one of those traits that you're born with and you can't do anything about it, sort of like your height. Not much you can do about it if you are not as tall as you would like to be. Fortunately, self-awareness is something that you can work on.
you can practice some different things and you can change. So it's been a skill that for me, I've been able to develop over time with reflection and with practice. Don't get me wrong, I still don't always get it perfectly, but I do feel that I am more successful with it now than I used to be. You know, maybe that's part of my age and the wisdom.
Now, I do feel, as I mentioned before, that self-awareness is crucial for personal growth and professional growth as well. But a lot of times there are some barriers that will come into play. There's some things that will get in our way when it comes to self-awareness. So number one, there's our ego.
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and there's overconfidence. Many times our ego is going to get into the way and we fall into the trap of believing that we already know ourselves completely and there's not much more that we need to know. This ego trap can lead us into having a sense of overconfidence and we just think that we're immune to mistakes. We think that we're immune to the feedback.
that others might give, we might not even seek out that feedback. And I also think that our ego and this overconfidence will keep us from reflecting on how we are going about our day, how we are living our lives. And so I really think that ego can be especially common in leadership roles when we have
a lot of experience. So I described the fact that I thought that I had all the answers in those early days. I mean, I was still wet behind the ears in my mid twenties and really did not know at that time all the things that I know today. I wish that I had known then, but I look at it this way. It gave me the opportunity to grow. have reflected on those times and the mistakes that I made.
very often. And I feel that it's made me the leader that I've been able to become over the last couple of decades. So I think that one of the biggest things that we can do to combat our ego and to combat overconfidence is just to stay in a growth mindset and just recognize the fact that no matter where we are,
in our career, no matter where we are in our lives, we have the opportunity to grow and to get better. None of us are perfect. There's always room for growth. And so if we are being reflective, if we are seeking regular feedback and we're embracing it as an opportunity to grow, that will always serve us well. And so, you know, what I later discovered is that
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You know, great leaders don't have to have all the answers. Rather, what great leaders are really good at is bringing the best out of their team and working together with all of the people that you've got surrounding you to come up with what the best answer is. And so that's one of the keys of teamwork. Not everyone can be the specialist in everything.
even if you are a solopreneur and you're working on a business all by yourself, there's still going to be times that you're going to have to seek the counsel of others. whether it is, hiring someone to work on something for you that you're not especially good at or having a coach who can, you know, really look at things objectively, but
I really do think that great leaders are really adept at asking questions of the people around them and using those ideas that come out to really put forth the best solution to whatever problem that you're trying to solve. And I believe that those good leaders will hold back their opinion until they've had the opportunity to hear.
from the people around them. There's oftentimes there's gonna be people on your team that may be reluctant, much like I experienced early in my career, people may be reluctant to offer up their opinion. You may have to coax it out of them and recognizing that as a good leader is extremely important. The second thing that I think can be a barrier to self-awareness is defensiveness.
and fear of criticism. So, you know, as human beings, not everyone is really good at receiving feedback, especially negative feedback or someone's giving you an area that you have the opportunity to improve. I know that that's an area that I haven't always been great at. It's natural to want to
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push back when you receive that type of feedback, when you receive some sort of criticism. But I think that if we take the time to realize that people aren't trying to purposely hurt us, most people are not trying to purposely hurt us. I know that when I was a young child, I was really bad at receiving any sort of
feedback, would be crushing to me. I don't know where I developed the mentality that I had to be perfect. Well, that's not entirely true. I know where it came from. I'm not going to share it in this podcast episode. That may be something that I will share at another time, but I know what influenced that.
But that was a really big challenge that I had to come overcome individually. I think that again, trying to take the mindset of feedback, not being a personal attack, it is another tool that we can use to create a better version of ourselves. And I think that instead of overreacting,
instead of getting extremely emotional, I think that asking questions such as, you help me to understand how I could have handled that better or how I could have handled that differently? That turns feedback into a conversation. And it shows that you're an individual who is genuinely interested in improving. And it's been my experience that
People who are in leadership positions, if you show that type of mentality that you're open to that continuous growth, people will want to follow you.
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A third barrier that I have found to self-awareness is emotional reactivity. So something happens and you just have the tendency to react to it with emotions without taking the time to really think about what happened. I think that when we are emotionally reactive, it can cloud our judgment and it really makes
looking at certain situations objectively, very difficult. So, you know, I think that I've very candidly had my moments when my emotions have gotten the better of me and I have reacted to something and done it in a way that I have later regretted. And whether this has been at work or at home,
I've had those moments. think that if we're all being honest, we've all had those type of moment moments. And this is something that I continue to work on. I really focus on this and I'm not going to lie. I have my good days and I have those days where I continue to take some L's and I wish that I would have showed up better for my wife, for my teammates, even for my friends. But,
I do think that taking the time to pause and choosing to respond as opposed to reacting will be much, better. And we'll talk about this a little bit later. We're going to get into the practice of mindfulness. I think that that's a way to manage those responses and not being so emotionally reactive and
Again, we'll talk about it a bit more, but mindfulness is a fancy word for essentially saying that you want to stay present in the moment and noticing your emotions in that moment. gives you the opportunity to try to think about why do I feel the way that I feel? Why am I thinking that I want to react to this in a certain way? That's mindfulness.
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That's giving you the opportunity to take that pause. But again, we'll come back to that a bit more in a moment. The fourth barrier to self-awareness is lack of time for reflection. We live in a fast paced world. We're all extremely busy. We've got so many different things going on. And just thinking about taking the time to add
one more thing to our plate, something else that we have to do. You want me to stop and self-reflect? We're constantly on the go. So this can be a barrier, is just being too busy and not investing the time. And it doesn't take a ton of time. I think that even if you set aside 10 to 15 minutes each day to reflect on
What went well today? What could I have done better today? I think that that is an investment in yourself that will pay huge dividends. So again, you don't have to lock yourself up and spend hours reflecting.
But again, at the end of each day or even the end of each week, taking 10, 15, 30 minutes to focus on those things and jotting a few notes down so that you know how you can do better the next time. I think that that will be, again, a worthwhile investment. Number five on the list, the last thing that I have on the list in terms of barriers to self-awareness is just
avoidance of uncomfortable truths. again, self-awareness, if you really think about it, is going to require us to get comfortable with certain things that are uncomfortable and taking a long hard look at things about ourselves that maybe we just don't want to address. I will tell you that
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thinking about my own weaknesses, thinking about areas where I may have made a mistake, that's not comfortable. I don't like doing it, but I think that the investments that I've made in doing that have again given me the opportunity to show up better for those people in my life that I truly care about and give them a better version of Jay.
today or tomorrow than what they got yesterday. So again, it's human nature. None of us wants to really go through that. But if we recognize the fact that it is an investment in ourselves, I think that it is, it will, it'll be really, really key for us.
So now we've talked about self-awareness, we've defined self-awareness. We've talked about some barriers, some common barriers to self-awareness and again, thank you for taking the time to listen. If you are again on YouTube, subscribe, hit the like button. If you are listening on your favorite podcast platform.
Take the opportunity to leave me a comment so that I can continue to improve the show But now I want to talk about some practical steps to develop self-awareness and I Mentioned this first one a little bit ago, but I think that it is very important that We talk about mindfulness a little bit more so again
Mindfulness is staying present and fully engaged in the moment, focusing on our thoughts, focusing on our emotions. What are we feeling physically in that moment? I think that it is the equivalent of the gauges on our car that will alert us to something that may require our attention.
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I think that taking the time to check in with ourselves, understanding what we're feeling and taking a few moments to understand why we might be feeling that way is really the equivalent to those check engine lights. I think it is very important to us. And
You know We're all just human shameless plug for the name of the podcast and there are going to be times That we are going to feel a certain way. We're going to have emotions that is human nature There's also going to be times that we're going to be Human we're going to react
instead of taking the time to have an intentional response. And we may think about it after the fact and recognize that I messed up. I wish that I would have chosen to respond a different way as opposed to reacting the way that I did and maybe chewing somebody out, biting their head off. But I think that again,
practicing that mindfulness, taking the time to understand what made us feel that way, why we felt that way, and then that will give us some insights into how we can change that reaction into a more tempered response. It can really give us the opportunity as well to share with someone
why we reacted the way that we did. It can lead to a conversation that can help draw us closer. I know that I've had some great conversations with my wife and my friends and even coworkers that have led to opportunities for us to grow closer together just from taking the moment to share, hey, I'm sorry that I
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reacted the way that I did. I thought about that. Here's why I think that that happened. I'm not making an excuse and I'm gonna do my best to be better next time. But I just wanted to let you know why I think that I reacted the way that I did. Those type of conversations can really be huge in the broader scheme of things.
I think another important tool when it comes to self-awareness is taking the time to seek regular feedback. I think that feedback from others is key no matter how insightful we may be, no matter how strong our self-awareness may be.
We all have blind spots and we may think that we are coming across a certain way, but others are seeing it completely different. And so I believe that seeking that feedback from family, from friends, from trusted colleagues can really provide us with some insights into how we come across and again,
it can help us realize where we might have some blind spots. We all have them. It's just understanding what they are and how we can begin to address them. And so when we approach those conversations, we have to make sure that we're in the mindset to be ready to receive that feedback and create a safe space for
whoever we happen to be asking, letting them feel comfortable with giving us that feedback. Now, if you ask for feedback and then you bite somebody's head off or you tell them that they're wrong, that their perception is completely wrong, they're probably gonna stop giving you feedback when you ask for it. And by the way, that type of a response is not helping you to...
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become a better person. I believe that whether or not you see or understand what they're articulating, there's some value there. They are seeing a side of you that you are not seeing. That's why they call them blind spots. So seek out that regular feedback and really create an environment where people feel comfortable with being
honest and candid with you.
The third area, and this may get some eyebrows raising, but the third area is keeping a reflective journal. Now look, I'm not talking about creating pages and pages and pages every single day. I choose a much more abbreviated
method of journaling. Now, candidly, I've tried to do journals in my past and it didn't work well for me. The first day or two would go like gangbusters, but then I would find a reason to not do it. But something that does work for me, I am very much, I love certain aspects of my life to remain
analog in a digital world. So I have a cell phone. I have computers all around me. I have tablets. I have all the devices, but there's still something about pen to paper that I really enjoy. And so I keep a written daily planner and
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at the end of every day or even in the moment sometime when I notice something that happens in the moment, I will jot down a couple of notes so that at the end of the week, I can go back and look at the moments that went well and the moments that did not go well. And so the journaling
really for me is just taking 10 to 15 minutes and writing down a few sentences or a few bullets on what I think were the wins and the losses from that particular day or even from that week. And that leads into item number four is again setting aside some time in order to reflect and review how your day and your week
has truly gone. We're not talking about hours, but I do think that setting aside 10, 15 minutes, maybe a half an hour at the end of the day or the end of the week or at some point in time during the month, you have to do whatever works for you. But again, reflecting upon those things that happened.
throughout the day. Again, don't ignore the check engine light that is your emotions. Something made you feel a certain way and taking the time to try to understand why you feel that way, taking the time to understand why you reacted the way that you did will again help you to create a better version of yourself tomorrow and you can
respond more appropriately the next time you're in a situation that may be similar and you can respond better. And so with that time, again, I will write down a note or two each day. But one of the things that I also like to do, my habit that helps me prepare for the upcoming week, there's a lot of people that
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will on Sunday afternoons, they'll really start to dread the upcoming work week. They're starting to think about all the things that they've got on their plate. And one of the things that I like to do is to take a couple of hours and I will prepare for the upcoming week. take a look at the things that I need to get done. I will...
look at the meetings and calls that I have coming up. And I will also take the time to look back on the past week. It's almost like if you equate it to sports, most sports teams will do film review. They will look at their game film. They will look at their practice film and they will look at the things that went well.
and they will look at the things that didn't go well and they'll try to understand, when I'm in that situation again, I need to move my feet this way or I need to be here instead of there. So again, reflecting upon your day, your week, your month is like your personal film review so that you can get better.
But that's something that I do as I prepare for the upcoming week is I take a look at what happened in the past week and give me the opportunity to look for areas to improve.
So we've talked about the fact that self-awareness is something that can be useful for you whether you are looking at it from just a personal perspective. Maybe you are an entrepreneur, you're doing things completely on your own. But even in the workplace,
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You know, if you're working with other people, no matter what the industry is, no matter what the business is, self-awareness can be very important in the workplace. think that it is effective for people that are in leadership positions. think that they are, it's important for individuals that are striving to be in a leadership position.
So I think that there are, there's four areas as I see it where self-awareness becomes really important and effective for leaders. Number one, it's better decision-making. So if I understand what my triggers are, if I understand where I might have
certain biases or certain tendencies. If I know these things ahead of time, then I can be much more thoughtful in the moment when it is time for me to make an important decision. Number two, I think that being more self-aware can provide for enhanced emotional intelligence. Another one of those buzzwords,
that you may not always know what it means, but I think that self-aware leaders are more in tune to their own emotions. I think that they are more attuned to the emotions of others. And I think that it makes you better capable of empathizing and bringing the best out of
your team and whether that is a workplace team or even in a family environment if you understand those dynamics in your household that can be really really important. Number three stronger relationships awareness of of how our actions our reactions how those affect others it really can
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build more trust, can foster more collaboration. If you are asking people to give you feedback and they can genuinely see that you are trying to put those things into practice and they can see that you are improving as an individual, that is a really strong message. As I mentioned,
a couple of times. I don't always do this well. I do have days when this
operates better than it does in other days. But I do believe, at least I hope that my loved ones and those closest to me that will listen to this, that they will recognize the fact that I'm trying and their feedback is welcomed. And I try to put those things into practice as I go throughout my day and my weeks and my months.
And finally, and I think as important as the other three, not more so, self-aware leaders are always growing, they're always improving. And so they're thinking about this personal and professional growth and they are looking to set an example for those around them. Whether or not they,
even recognize it or not. People who focus on this personal growth, they focus on being more self-aware. You are going to be an inspiration for others. And so I think that that is extremely important. So this whole topic of self-awareness as we wrap up today's podcast, it is truly the foundation. think it's the cornerstone of
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personal and professional growth, but I want you to recognize this as I mentioned you're not born with Self-awareness it's something that you can develop But I also want you to recognize that while you're working on developing it. It's a journey. It's not a destination It's going to require ongoing reflection ongoing feedback ongoing mindfulness
And if you keep that mindset of continuous growth, it will be something that you will focus on for the rest of your life. You're not going to wake up one day and just say, I'm done and I don't have to think about this anymore. So, you know, final story before we wrap this up and something that I think about that's related to this constant journey.
My wife and I are boaters. We've got a couple of boats and in another podcast episode, I'll describe the sickness that is owning multiple boats. I'm kidding. love our boats and we use them for different things, but we are boaters. But when I first started learning how to operate my boat, it
didn't always respond the way that I initially expected it to. I would be at the helm, I would turn the wheel, and the boat might not turn immediately the way that I thought that it should, especially at slower speeds. So I would turn the wheel more. And then before I realized it, I was...
turning way more than I wanted to. So now I'm turning the wheel the other way and I'm turning too much again. And so I'm over correcting now in the other way. And so I can only imagine what I look like as I was learning how to operate my boat. I can only imagine what I look like to others. But here's how this relates to self-awareness.
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much like operating my boat. Self-awareness is about slow, intentional steps and observing what happens. Don't try to move too quickly. Don't try to do too much. Just take it one little tiny step at a time and observe. And I believe that by making these small changes,
to developing self-awareness, we can make much more intentional choices, we can build stronger relationships, we can cultivate more positive environments, not only in our professional lives, but also in our personal lives. So again, think about it that way. Don't try to do too much at one time. So.
Thank you so much for joining me today. I hope that you found some value in this episode. I hope you found it helpful. If you did, please subscribe, leave me a comment, give me a thumbs up if you're on YouTube and let me know. And if you think that there's anyone out there who might benefit from listening to this or watching this episode on self-awareness.
I encourage you to share it with them and give them the opportunity to try some of the things that we've talked about today. And again, try some of these things in your own life and see what works for you. What works for me isn't necessarily going to work for you, but let me know the ways that you are focusing on self-awareness and being a better version of yourself. So until next time, keep growing.
and stay curious. Thanks a lot.
